Anxious Moms, Anxious Daughters

6 Ways to Help Your Daughter Beat the Family Anxiety Pattern

​You’ve had a mild case of anxiety as long as you can remember but you’ve figured out how to manage it, it doesn’t slow you down…too much. You’d hoped your sweet peanut wouldn’t struggle like you have and then to your horror you realize she’s struggling with fears, too.

Summary:

• Females are more likely to develop anxiety than males
• Children can absorb internal states (positive and negative) from their parents
• Anxiety is highly treatable
• Parents can engage in activities with their kids to bring anxiety levels down
• Modeling your process for dealing with anxiety can help your child learn to beat hers

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You are not alone! I sit across from countless amazing high-functioning women, in the counseling office and outside of it, who experience anxiety and whose children are now facing the same thing. There’s HOPE! Anxiety is highly treatable, many kids (and mothers) see fast relief in counseling.
 
So how did this happen? You’ve probably tried hard to keep her from the worries you experienced as a child. Women are more likely to struggle with anxiety than men. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, “From the time a girl reaches puberty until about the age of 50, she is twice as likely to have an anxiety disorder as a man. Anxiety disorders also occur earlier in women than in men.” 1

Part of this is due to the makeup of the female brain. Hormones, neurotransmitters and stress response all work differently for females and may contribute to increased chances of experiencing anxiety. Part of it may also be due to the way a developing brain works. Researchers are fascinated by newly discovered “mirror neurons” in the brain. These neurons teach us to mirror behaviors and even emotions of others. Last time you saw someone yawn and then had to yawn yourself, that’s the mirror neuron at work. It’s also what helps us empathize with others and put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.2
 
“…Mirror neurons may allow us not only to imitate others’ behavior, but actually to resonate with their feelings. We sense not only what action is coming next, but also the emotion that underlies the behavior. For this reason, we could also call these special neural cells ‘sponge neurons’ in that we soak up like a sponge what we see in the behaviors, intentions and emotions of someone else. We don’t just ‘mirror back’ to someone else, but we ‘sponge in’ their internal states.” (exerpt from The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel) 2
 
Your daughter’s mirror neurons may have allowed her to sponge in some of your own anxiety, just as you may have unknowingly sponged in your mother’s and so on.
 
Before you feel guilty, remember this is not something you did intentionally and you can take steps to help her now.

1. Regardless of where it came from, you can harness these mirror neurons to help her learn to calm the anxiety for herself. Anxiety has strong physiological components. Practicing calming exercises with your daughter, not just teaching them or guiding her through them but actually DOING them with her will be far more effective for both of you. If you address the physical sensations first, then your child may be able to learn new thought patterns to decrease worry and fear.
   
   This website has loads of great activities that are fun and help calm nervous kids.
   
   
2. Mirror neurons are activated when they can anticipate the next move.2 So the key to activating mirror neurons is practicing calming exercises with your daughter and practicing regularly. Regular, consistent practice during times when the body is at ease teaches the body how to calm itself when stressed. Build up to 3-5 exercises each day for 5 minutes each. Keep it fun, light-hearted and engaging.
   
   Another great resource to help bring calm into your house is MeMoves.
   
   
3. Don’t ignore it or tell her not to be afraid. Avoiding the fear tends to make it grow bigger. Talk through your own anxious thoughts out loud so she hears you process and move past it. Help your child name her emotions and acknowledge her fear. Then develop a list of resources she has to rally the strength to face the thing that scares her. This can be anything from friends and family, to humor and imagination. As she learns that the uncomfortable feelings eventually pass and she has tools to handle the stress, she will learn she can actually enjoy what used to scare her.
   
   Learn some of these phrases and help your child learn to say them to herself.
   
   
4. Develop her sense of control and rehearse the positive outcomes of the challenges she has faced. Typically when kids develop anxiety, they’re really skilled at remembering and rehearsing the icky feelings associated with past challenges and anything positive gets lost in the jumble. Helping your child recall the good feelings, will help her to develop a balanced perspective. Have patience with this, you may need to help her practice remembering the positive much longer than you’d expect.
   
   
5. Let her play! Kids need free time, and they need time without the supervision of parents to learn that they can solve their own problems, can control their circumstances and attitudes, find their own interests and have abilities to face tough stuff. 3
   
   
6. If you haven’t worked through your own anxiety with a counselor, do it now. A counselor can help you see how your anxiety may be affecting your child in ways you aren’t aware of and can personalize and fine-tune your parenting approach to help your kiddo get a jump start on her own worries.

Anxiety is common for women and it’s also easy for our children to feel worried too. The great news is you and your child don’t have to sit in fear, it’s treatable and responds well to calming exercises. Choose something new to practice and do it on a regular basis. If you or your child have fears and worries that feel overwhelming, call a counselor and take advantage of the great resource that counseling can be in your life.




References:
1. Anxiety and Depression Association of America. https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/women/facts
2. Siegel, D.J. (2012). The whole brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
3. Grey, P. (2010) The decline of play and rise in children’s mental disorders. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201001/the-decline-play-and-rise-in-childrens-mental-disorders