Cultivating Resilience in Our Kids

Re·sil·ience  - the capacity to recover from difficulties; toughness
/rəˈzilyəns/

My teenage step-son called us, shaking and tearful, two days after landing in a remote town in East Asia. Through his tears he described his culture shock. The heat was oppressive and the pollution in the air made it hard to breathe. He was clearly miserable and scared. After the call my husband turned to me with a stricken face and said, “What have we done? We sent our kid to ASIA!” 

When your baby cries out to you it’s an INSTINCT to snatch them out of harm's way. It's gut-wrenching to let your child experience difficulties! Believe me, if there was a way for us to get to my step-son we would have been strongly tempted to consider it.

​On a daily basis I talk with parents whose children struggle with daily challenges like getting on the bus or going to gymnastics. There seems to be a rise in young adults who are fearful of driving, talking on the phone, applying for a job. They're frozen in the belief that they don't have the capacity to handle the discomfort they feel during these moments. I can't emphasize enough how much our kids need to experience discomfort in order to believe they have what it takes to face tomorrow's challenges. Until they experience discomfort on a regular basis and learn that they can move through it, avoidance of discomfort will rule their behaviors.

​When you rescue your child or step in because they're having difficulty doing something on their own, you are communicating that you don’t believe they actually have what it takes to rise to the challenge.  

Refusing to rescue is HARD WORK and it takes GUTS!

• The current social climate puts immense pressure on parents to protect, rescue and provide. This combined with the instinct to rescue our terrified little ones can make it near impossible to sit still and tell them, “you’ve got this!” Especially when you know (and your child knows) that you have the ability to swoop in and do the hard work for them at any second.  
• Your child’s capacity to develop resilience is affected by your ability to tolerate your own discomfort. It’s uncomfortable for us as parents when our child struggles. It can ignite fears of being a poor parent or damaging our child. However, they need you to gather up your courage and do the hard thing from time to time. Most kids I work with know that their parents are making the right choice when they refuse to rescue (though they'd never tell their parents that).
• This also requires balance. Each child is different and it can be tricky to know when not to push. They need your help to know when a challenge involves too much risk or danger. 

Building resilience in your child happens one small struggle at a time. Think of it like a muscle, the more they practice, the better they will become at facing challenges. Start small, pick one and do a few minutes each day. Then ease into greater challenges. Here are some ways you can help your child learn that they can tolerate discomfort:

• Encourage your child to face boredom. Set limits for the amount of TV and screen time they can have and then challenge them to solve their own boredom problem. Again this may require some tolerance from you as they whine and moan but don’t solve the problem for them.

• Teach your child to look for answers before asking for help with homework. Many times they haven’t attempted to solve the problem before they ask.

• Teach your child that their expectations might be incorrect
  • They have to practice to be good at things
  • They don’t know everything already and are not expected to
  • Asking questions is a sign of intelligence

• Don’t rescue them from reality
  • Life does not always turn out the way we’d like – don’t tell them it will
  • Stuff costs money – engage them in the process of earning their stuff and learning how far a dollar truly goes (or doesn’t go)
  • There are real limits to their time, resources, money, talents, energy, etc.

• Require them to clean up their own messes
  • If something happens in a friendship, your child needs to be the one to make it right
  • Communal living requires communal chores

• Dole out the encouragement when they are challenged! Tell them you know they have it in them, you’ve seen them do this sort of thing before, they can figure it out. If you believe in their capability, they will begin to believe in it too.

My step-son came off the plane from Asia with a huge smile on his face and a journal full of insights he would never have gained another way. If your child struggles with accepting uncomfortable events, it might be a good time to start practicing as much as possible. ​If you  feel overwhelmed by your own discomfort when your child struggles or if your child seems stuck it might be helpful to get some support from a therapist.

​Your child has what it takes to rise to the challenge. Hold onto that belief, hold your child’s feet to the fire and cheer them on like there's no tomorrow!
 
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash​​

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